Lotus Magazine Archives

By Rev. James Conn

After we interviewed Reverend James Conn for our November issue, we were so inspired by him and his ideas that we asked him to write a regular column for us! So, here it is, the first of a series of articles by our own irREVerent reverend, James Conn.

What is something you love to do so much that you get lost in it for hours without getting bored? I don't mean sex, and I'm not talking about being stoned. I mean, what do you do that takes your full attention, that you can spend hours involved with, completely losing the sense of time, without ever running out of interest?

Your answer to that question may tell you a lot about what your gifts are--what you do well that makes you a strong, valuable, and unique human being. Gifts or strengths are your capacities, skills, abilities, and possibilities. A gift is a natural endowment that comes out of a deep interest and enthusiasm inside of you. It's your unique attribute.

Often we get into a rut of self-doubt. We think we can't do anything and there is nothing special about us. We run ourselves down. We think we have no skills or abilities. We think we are worthless. We feel only shame, some deep sense that we are totally inadequate as human beings. We forget that we have some strong gifts that are ours alone.

Sometimes we get together with our friends who think they are worthless too. Instead of affirming each other, we make each other feel equally useless. We build a strong bond with worthlessness, and we confirm it with our friends.

Sometimes we get together with friends to forget we feel so bad. But they feel bad too, and we spiral downwards together.

Sometimes we feel better by making someone else feel wrong or bad or stupid. Sometimes we make others into enemies in order to make ourselves feel ok.

But I believe that every human being has a gift. Sometimes they are gifts like everyone else has: energy, spirit, enthusiasm, curiosity, or powerful emotions. Sometimes they are uniquely ours: our skills with the internet, our ability to make a motor run, our hands on a drum, the bug collection we keep in the closet when our friends come over, our touch in the kitchen, our way of putting words together.

Some of us see other people with amazing clarity. Some of us can describe situations with insight. Some of us write poems on tiny scraps of paper spread all over. Some of us keep them in elaborate order. Some of us clip photos. Some of us make collages from them. These are all our unique gifts.

A few years ago my son and two of his friends decided to pack up everything they own and move it to New York City. They had to rent a truck. They had to pick up furniture and sound systems and boxes and books and vinyl from three different places. And they had a deadline to meet. Then all the usual things occurred. One guy wasn't ready. One guy overslept--at his girl friend's house. So my son organized the first guy's stuff. Found the second one and got him up and going so they could make their deadline on the other end. Out of that experience my son learned he was organized and could organize and mobilize other people. Those are gifts.

Along about half-way across the country, the guys were tired and irritable. One of them spotted a state park on the map, not too far off the Interstate. He guided them there, where they found a lake and went skinny dipping, letting all the stress slide off into the water. That was another gift--finding a place to play!

Gifts come in all sizes and shapes. Here are some other ways to figure out what your gifts might be:

• What two talents or skills do you have that make you a valuable family member or friend?

• What two skills make you especially good at your work--whether it's paid or volunteer?

• What talent do you have that not many people know about?

• What are your favorite hobbies?

• What is it in school that really catches/caught your imagination?

If you are still stuck, try thinking about it this way: gifts can be gifts of the head--how we think, analyze, process, solve problems or know how to teach. My gift is seeing opportunities and figuring out how to use them. Or gifts can also be gifts of the hand--how we do things, our skills and abilities. I can't play a musical instrument, but those same numb fingers can pound out words on a keyboard. And there are gifts of the heart--how we feel, remember, hope, and dream. People often tell me that I listen well. They feel heard when they talk to me. Those are some ways I have found helpful in thinking about my own gifts. These ways of thinking help me value myself and focus on things I really do well.

When we do not have a clear picture of our gifts and strengths as individuals, we can easily let others carry our confusion and our dislike of ourselves. I believe that much of the hatred and anger and rage we feel about other people is really our own bad feelings about ourselves. What we dislike about ourselves we put onto others.

It's especially easy to rage about people who we think are different from ourselves in some fundamental way. We identify them for their age or their sexuality or their life style or their skin color or their culture or their religion, or because they don't like the kind of music we like. These people we lump together become easy targets. And it's easier to target someone else than examine our own sense of inadequacy and shame. We let them stand in for what we hate about ourselves, or what we fear that we are.

When we know our gifts, we don't need to make others feel inadequate. We do not need to diminish or belittle them. Even your parents who don't talk to you anymore. Or the woman who stole your boyfriend. Or the man who seems scary and intimidating. We can look for their gifts, too. We can look for strengths and abilities that complement our own. We can identify someone else's gift in a way that connects us and builds relationships.

So these questions can help us identify what makes us worthwhile as unique and special people. They are questions that you could ask your friends. How do they see their gifts? And how do they see yours? The answers can help create a sense of identity for ourselves that helps make us feel valuable.

And I believe that everyone is valuable.