I have to watch the Oscars for work. Hence, live blogging.

You can read my bits by clicking the MORE… link below, but my favorite Oscar rambling comes from Salon:

The lowest point of the evening — which was actually the high point, because it was the only thing that sucked hard enough to be actually interesting — was Hispanic Korner, where all the Latinos were quarantined. Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz, representing the beeg teets of Meheeco and Espain, introduced one of the two musical numbers that didn’t feature Beyoncé…..which shall henceforth be known as “iBanderas! : The Unquenchable Thirst for Shame.”

Antonio Banderas, looking like he just took a swim in Julio Iglesias’ sebum pond, was sitting in what looked like an adobe Mexican prison set, or El Grande Castillo del Taco Bell, braying with Carlos Santana, who was grimacing with simulated guitar-passion behind his Blueblockers. It was a Latin musical travesty to rival J.Lo’s swan-dive into obsolescence at the Grammies. “J.Lo has finally found a duet partner!” said Wayne Brave. Jesu Christo. Next time, instead of letting Banderas disgrace himself to represent Hispanic culture, perhaps the Academy should just cut to a shot of stuffed bullfrogs dressed like mariachis. Or maybe a cute terra-cotta lawn sculpture of some drunk guys wearing sombreros, having a siesta. Or a pinata, shaped like a burro. Ai caramba.

4:40
Dress trends this year appear to be backless, fishtail shapes (barf!) and yellow. Except for Halle Berry. She’s wearing that boring non-color from last year. Worst hair of the night: Laura Linney.

5:31
Nice Michael Moore Super Size Me burn from Chris Rock. HA!

5:46
Morgan Freeman totally deserved his best supporting actor Oscar. It’s a lifetime acheivement award of sorts.

5:50
Not into the presenting from the crowd thing.

6:00
Love Beyonce’s dress. Best dress of the night so far. But what’s with these little boys hanging out on stage? They’re like, parked out on stairs and stuff. Weird.

6:07
Heh: White Chicks.

6:13
Nice touch having The Incredibles’Edna Mode present the costume award, but co-presenter’s Pierce Brosnan’s voice and hacking cough sounds contageous and is freaking me out me. Bonus points for synergy — both ABC and Pixar/The Incredibles are owned by Diznee.

6:30
From the comments: That guy from the Couting Crows=Sideshow Mel. HA! So fucking true.

6:39
Chris Rock as Catherine Zeta-Jones. Saucy. Also: I seem to be the most gullible person at work, as I’m the only one who thought the whole thing wasn’t scripted. It was scripted, right?

6:49
“…As an old Village poet told me in the ’60s…” Bla bla, Pacino. Brush your hair.

6:50
Looking for other live Oscar bloggers? Check Defamer and Blurbomat.

6:58
My favorite ads for far? The Anna Nicole TrimSpa ones during the red carpet show. “How do you like my body?” sounds even funnier when skinny editor Mike slurs it and tries to shake his flat chest around.

7:01
Seriously: WTF is with all the fish-tail dresses? Emmy Rossaum is rocking the latest mermaid dress, and they all look TERRIBLE. And hold on: did they just say Beyonce is singing THREE different songs? Oh jesus. From the neck up, Beyonce appears to be doing her best Jennifer Lopez. From the neck down, she appears to be a chandelier.

7:08
Live Action short clearly had the best nominees ever (the dude who was pretending to be asleep? Best performance of the night!), and the best acceptance speech (I’d like to have seen Morgan Freeman announce his award as “the dog’s bollocks.”)

7:18
Jesus: Salma Hayek IS SO HOT. Penelope Cruz looks like a shrivelled ugly troll next to Salma Hayek’s boobs. (Also: nice comment from Chris Rock about “these four presenters.”)

7:24
However, I think the Spanish accent (Cruz) wins over the Mexican accent (Hayek). I would like the be the queso in THAT quesadilla, lemme tell ya.

7:27
This Antonio Banderas song is a diservice to the legacy of the Motorcycle Diaries. Awful. Did you see the guy who wrote the song at the end? He was like, “You murdered my song, you bastards.”

7:32
Natalie Portman is wearing a really cute headband. But her dress is awful. Brown toga thing? No. Still: she was really good in Garden State. In fact, she was the best thing about that movie.

7:53
Is Puffy wearing a velvet tux? Editor Patrick says: “Pants shat,” and turns away. The trim! AWFUL! And we can’t believe Beyonce is singing again. Who’s idea was this Beyonce monopoly?

7:59
Everyone should sing their acceptance speech.

8:00
Sean Penn just demonstrated that he is officially the most humorless man in Hollywood. Dude, seriously: Judd Law was laughing at that joke Chris Rock made about him. Why can’t you?

8:10
Someone forgot to tell Gwyneth Paltrow that the whole “colorless Oscar dress” thing was fashionable last year. This flesh-colored pouf skirt is so bland that it completely washes out Gwynnie’s complexion. Also, I can’t believe it’s 2005 and I just typed “pouf skirt.”

8:25
If the announcement of Best Actor had been a thriller, it would have bombed at the box office. Foxx’s win for his portrayal of Ray Charles in Ray was highly predictable after his win at the Golden Globes and just about everywhere else. We liked Foxx’s acceptance, from his story of meeting Sidney Poitier, to the honoring of his grandmother. That said: wow, sounds like Jamie got quite some beatings as a child. Ouch! Luckily, he’s recovered well and still talks to his grandma in his dreams. Aww.

8:30
Ouch: Eastwood beat out Scorsese. Holy shit.

8:38
And that’s it. Now I must go crank out blurbs about dresses and stuff. Thanks to all who joined me for this madness.